I don't identify as female. But testosterone turned me from a female (that I didn't want to be) into...
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I don't identify as female. But testosterone turned me from a female (that I didn't want to be) into some aged gross female beast instead of the man I wanted to be. I feel dysphoria from both sides, mostly body dysphoria from being female and social dysphoria from my masculine traits. I am very embarrassed over showing my body hair. Even though I always wanted hair and still like it, it feels like everyone else views it as disgusting for me to have hair because I don't pass as male. I don't want to shave, that makes me dysphoric in a different way. I want to be able to go outside hairy without feeling like all strangers are judging me
I hear you. That feeling of being caught in between — not the man you hoped for, but also no longer the woman you rejected, and now feeling exposed and judged — that sounds genuinely painful and isolating.
What you're describing is something many detransitioned women have experienced: the body changes from testosterone creating a new kind of visibility that doesn't fit anywhere socially. Let me look into how others have navigated this specific tension between wanting masculine traits and feeling socially punished for them.
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