Transgender Regret - A Dutch Documentary
I know one thousand percent sure I am a homosexual man. For that, what happened to me is a disaster. It does not belong to me. Every day I have to get over it.
Overview
Patrick de Veen recounts his journey from a 1998 intake at a Dutch gender clinic to sex reassignment surgery in 2008, which he now deeply regrets. After discovering his 1999 dossier had ruled out transsexuality—a finding never shared with him—he attempted to live as Patricia but fell into severe depression. He detransitioned after three years yet suffers chronic pain and psychological agony, and has since been granted euthanasia permission, stating he knows with certainty he is a homosexual man whose life was devastated by the operation.
Full Video Summary
Patrick de Veen was born male and first sought treatment at the University Medical Center Groningen in 1998. He dropped out in 1999 because he did not dare to transition for the outside world or his family. During an identity crisis, he found an online forum where he read only jubilant stories about life as a transgender person, leading him to wonder if he might need that too, though he notes the feeling was not present from childhood. In 2006 he returned to the gender clinic. After three conversations with a psychiatrist, he received approval to take female hormones and began a real-life period presenting publicly as a woman. He assembled clothing, shoes, and jewelry and looked passable, yet he felt unhappy and fearful, rarely going outside. He informed his treater in Groningen that he struggled to present as a woman in public, but he says the doctor told him this was no reason to stop the operation. In March 2008 he received a referral letter stating he had successfully completed the real-life period, and in June 2008 he underwent sex reassignment surgery, taking the name Patricia. A few months after the operation, he fell into a deep depression. The realization of what had been done to him—and that it could never be reversed—settled over him. He says he regrets it deeply; it does not belong to him. Every day he must get over it, and when he showers he hangs a towel over the mirror because he cannot bear to look. Years later, he and his landlord obtained his medical dossier and discovered that in 1999 the Groningen team had determined there was no transsexuality, a finding never communicated to him. He says that if he had known, he could have turned his back on the idea and gone home. His later psychiatrist, Gert Bakker, notes that Patrick had a personality disorder, addiction issues, and PTSD, and believes insufficient investigation failed to reveal that his wish to be a woman was a fantasy or delusion rather than genuine gender dysphoria. After three years living as a woman, Patrick decided to return to life as a man, prompted by his nail stylist who saw him crying week after week. Yet he is not happy with this either. He can never be fully himself again and suffers severe, constant pain in his abdomen and bladder. Following years of therapy, he has been found to suffer from hopeless and unbearable anguish, and he has received permission for euthanasia. He states that he knows with absolute certainty that he is a homosexual man, and that what happened to him is a disaster.