EP22 - Tumblr Trans - with Helena Kerschner
I traded my body for a fantasy of being a lanky Tumblr boy. All I got was two psych wards and deeper self-hatred. I’m just a woman who needed guidance, not testosterone.
Overview
Helena Kerschner describes how, as an isolated teen, Tumblr communities framed cis straight white people as oppressors, leading her to adopt they/them, agender, and ze/zer pronouns for acceptance. She began testosterone at 18 after a Planned Parenthood assessment, and over 17 months on a high dose became dysfunctional and was twice hospitalized. A video montage of her decline made her realize her mistake; she desisted, briefly identified as non-binary, and at 23 lives as a woman, attributing her transition to body image issues and online pressure rather than dysphoria.
Full Video Summary
Helena Kerschner began using Tumblr at age 15 after becoming socially isolated and depressed during high school, eventually dropping out and self-harming. While she initially joined fandoms for classic rock bands, she was soon immersed in social justice communities where cisgender, straight, white people were routinely framed as privileged oppressors. Though she initially resented the hostile rhetoric toward cis people, she eventually gave in subconsciously, announcing she would try they/them pronouns. The immediate positive feedback created a reinforcing loop of escalating identity experimentation; over the next couple of years she cycled through demigirl, agender, and ze/zer pronouns, gaining social acceptance and conditional praise online that she lacked in real life. She came to feel that within this moral framework, adopting a trans identity was the only way to escape oppressor status and to gain belonging. By 18, convinced she was a trans boy, she drove from Ohio to a Planned Parenthood in Chicago for informed consent testosterone. After a 20-minute interview with a social worker and no blood work or follow-up requirements, she was started on 100 milligrams of testosterone per week—the highest dose—after she told the clinician she needed more because of her body type. She remained on testosterone for about 17 months. Rather than achieving her fantasy of becoming a lanky, masculine figure, she became deeply dysfunctional, emotionally volatile, and was hospitalized in psychiatric wards twice. The turning point came when her then-partner, also a trans man at the time, showed her a video montage chronicling her physical and emotional decline from her first injection onward. Seeing the contrast between her pre-transition self and her increasingly sick, unhappy appearance made her realize she had made a grave mistake. She stopped testosterone, briefly identified as non-binary for a few months, and eventually accepted that she is a woman. Now 23, Kerschner says her original distress stemmed not from gender dysphoria but from severe body image issues colliding with online social incentives. She criticizes the lack of medical gatekeeping that allowed her to access a high dose of hormones with almost no assessment, and argues that vulnerable youth need compassionate, realistic guidance from trustworthy adults rather than automatic affirmation.