Detransitioning: Why Did I Even Transition? (FTM Transgender)
I thought I was born transgender, but I was really a lesbian with an eating disorder who thought becoming a man would stop the harassment and make me thin.
Overview
Nelemil recounts growing up as a feminine girl who, amid depression, a severe eating disorder, and suicidal ideation, came out as a trans man and began testosterone in 2017, later getting a mastectomy. She eventually recognized her transition was driven not by an innate transgender identity but by a desire to escape sexual objectification and misogynistic expectations, along with an eating disorder that made testosterone’s body-altering effects appealing. Now off testosterone and detransitioning with therapeutic support, she says she remains glad about her top surgery, acknowledges the challenges ahead, and wants to show that transition is not the solution for everyone with gender dysphoria.
Full Video Summary
Nelemil explains that she grew up as a typically feminine girl but later struggled to identify as a woman. During a period of severe depression and a debilitating eating disorder, she realized she was a lesbian at nineteen, though she notes this was difficult due to internalized feelings that life would be easier if she were straight. Her mental health deteriorated; she became unable to leave her apartment or attend university, experienced daily breakdowns, and felt intense suicidal ideation. Believing she could not continue living as she was, she saw transition as her only option. She came out as a trans man and, in April 2017, began testosterone, later undergoing mastectomy within a year. While she appeared to be a happy trans guy externally, she says she always knew hormones and surgery would not fix her underlying problems. She eventually examined her motivations and concluded they were rooted in unhealthy thought patterns connected to her eating disorder. She describes a conflict between a rational voice that knew her body was healthy and a louder, unhealthy voice demanding thinness and perfection. She had lost significant weight before transitioning and received praise for it, reinforcing the idea that being thinner meant being more worthy of love. She realized that testosterone’s effects—burning more calories, reducing hips, and eliminating breasts through surgery—were not merely positive side effects but central drivers of her decision. Through exploring feminism, she also recognized that she had internalized misogynistic expectations of womanhood and lacked female role models in media, seeing women only as side characters. She recalls early puberty at age nine, when her developing breasts led her mother to insist she cover up, and how she later understood this as part of society’s over-sexualization of female bodies. As a young woman with large breasts and feminine features, she endured constant sexual harassment and objectification from men, including doctors who stared at her chest. Feeling that her worth depended on male attraction, and having never had a boyfriend, she felt worthless. Subconsciously, she concluded that becoming a man would make her cool, funny, safe from harassment, and accepted regardless of her looks. Although she is officially off testosterone and knows detransitioning is mentally the right choice, she remains scared. She has found a therapist to help her work on her eating disorder and is preparing for physical changes, including weight gain, softer features, wider hips, and a changing voice. She acknowledges she may face street harassment again but believes she must learn to handle these challenges positively. She notes that she is still happy about her mastectomy, describing her feelings about her body as complicated. She emphasizes that her story is not the typical transgender narrative and that transition is not the solution for everyone experiencing gender dysphoria.