Detransitioning FTM - 3 years on T- Day 1 OFF T.
I’m glad I experimented with gender and I don’t regret it. But make sure you’re transitioning for the right reasons. I can see the girl inside me again, and that’s enough.
Overview
Harvi Deming recounts beginning testosterone three years ago as Natalie to address severe dysphoria, but now, on her first day off hormones, she is detransitioning. She links her distress to childhood abuse by a stepfather and cruelty from an older sister who rejected her femininity, explaining that she tried to be a boy to escape him. She says her body is already feminizing and her voice rising, and while she does not regret experimenting with gender or diminish trans validity, she cautions others to transition for the right reasons.
Full Video Summary
Harvi Deming, born Natalie M. Deming, explains that about three years ago she began taking testosterone through a doctor to address severe dysphoria. After three years, she realized her distress stemmed more from dissociative identity disorder, and that her body dysphoria lifted the more female she felt. She notes that testosterone unexpectedly made her embrace her femininity and feel happier as a female. This video marks her first day off testosterone. She wears a new wig and admits nervousness about her voice; before transitioning she had a soprano singing voice that dropped to alto, and she hopes it returns. Even with the wig, strangers still call her “bro” and “dude,” so she is not yet passing as female, but she says she can see the girl inside and wants to be her again. Harvi legally changed her name to Harvi and plans to keep it as Harvi because she finds it cute, though she might return to Natalie someday despite trauma attached to it. She connects her discomfort with being female to childhood abuse: an older sister who rejected her femininity, refusing to speak to their parents for weeks after Harvi’s birth because she wanted a brother, and who during make-believe only let Harvi play a male or an animal. She also describes sexual abuse by a stepfather that began when she was very young and escalated at fourteen, after which everyone blamed her. She explains that she tried to be a boy to repel him, and afterward she resented being born female. She identifies as non-binary to a degree but says she likes being feminine and female and wants to be perceived that way. She hopes her body will revert, noting that last year when she stopped testosterone for a couple of months, her periods returned and her voice rose. Now, only one day off testosterone, she says her voice is already higher and her body seems to feminize when she thinks female thoughts, which she attributes to a psycho-sexual or mind-over-matter effect. Harvi emphasizes that her case is her own and does not diminish the validity of trans people. She says it is okay to experiment with gender, that she is glad she did and does not regret it, but she cautions others to transition for the right reasons. Despite her nerves, she is optimistic because she can see her pre-testosterone self peeking through, even if no one else can.