External Hormones VS. Internal Disharmony | a Detrans Story, with Gerda
I was the textbook transsexual case, yet transition never made me better. What I needed was time to grow up, not testosterone. Better research and safeguarding are the only ethical path forward.
Overview
Gerda recounts how puberty brought intense shame that led her to identify as trans at fourteen and start testosterone at twenty-one in Poland’s gatekept medical system. Though initially hopeful, she soon relapsed into social withdrawal and suicidal ideation, only finding relief after stopping hormones, finishing a novel, and forming genuine friendships. Now socially detransitioned, she advocates for better research and safeguarding rather than banning transition outright, and manages her mental health through lifestyle changes and creative purpose.
Full Video Summary
Gerda is a young Polish woman who first experienced intense bodily shame during puberty. Around age thirteen, she prayed to become a boy or to develop cancer that would remove her breasts and uterus, finding her changing body deeply alienating. She traces this shame partly to her personality and partly to cultural factors, noting that she received standard school education about puberty yet still felt uniquely unable to discuss periods or bodily changes. At twelve, she was catcalled and later received unwanted attention from a relative, which intensified her silence and self-blame. During her teens she retreated into online text-based roleplaying games, initially creating female characters but later playing only male characters, finding she could no longer imagine a future as a woman. She first encountered the idea of transsexualism through a medical drama around age fourteen or fifteen, then researched online and came to believe she had a “male brain.” She identified as trans at fourteen or fifteen but did not come out until age nineteen, in 2014. In Poland’s gatekept system, she spent roughly three years in diagnosis before starting testosterone at twenty-one. She describes her sexologist as controlling and disinterested in her trauma, while a psychologist attributed a past psychotic episode to dysphoria-related stress and affirmed her as a textbook transsexual case. Initially hopeful, Gerda liked some physical changes from testosterone, but the euphoria faded quickly. She became consumed by social anxiety and paranoia that others saw her as trans, withdrawing from college and friends just as she had during puberty. After one year she stopped testosterone for financial reasons, and without passing convincingly she felt unable to meet online friends who knew her as male. Suicidal again, she resolved to finish a novel before ending her life; the writing connected her to two meaningful friendships and attracted publisher interest. For the first time she felt happy, realized she no longer looked male after nearly two years off hormones, and understood that transition had never addressed her core distress. In April or May of the interview year she socially detransitioned, switching back to female grammatical forms in Polish, which she found easier than expected. She now advocates for better research and safeguarding rather than an outright ban on transition, acknowledging that some individuals might benefit while insisting many are harmed or unaffected. Having lost trust in mental-health professionals, she manages her wellbeing through exercise, diet, sleep, creative work, and new friendships, and says she feels hopeful.