Wenn die Geschlechtsangleichung nicht glücklich macht I 37 Grad
I made surgery my only goal, but my depression only deepened. Once I was stable enough to ask why I wanted to be a man, the answer came suddenly—and simply. I was born female, and now I live as a woman again.
Overview
Nele recounts how childhood discomfort with puberty and adolescent pressure to perform femininity led her to come out as trans at twenty and pursue testosterone and a mastectomy. While initially relieved by the physical changes, her depression persisted and deepened, and questioning sparked by her then-partner eventually led her to realize her desire to live as a man had roots she could only understand once psychologically stable. She now lives as a woman again.
Full Video Summary
Nele was born female and now lives as a woman again after a period of living as a man. She first recalls wanting to be a boy in elementary school while watching classmates play. This thought persisted through her youth. When puberty began around age eight or nine and her breasts developed, she felt deeply uncomfortable, finding the changes unpleasant and not understanding why she could no longer be shirtless. As a teenager, she tried to accept a female role and presented very femininely because she felt it was expected. At nineteen, after moving away from her parents to Düsseldorf, she developed depression and began exploring her identity more deeply. It was then that she first learned about transgender identity and realized she was attracted to women, which she experienced as a liberation from the pressure to appeal to men. She shaved her head and began binding her breasts, yet remained deeply unhappy and developed an eating disorder in an attempt to starve away her femininity. Increasingly identifying with the experiences of trans men, she came out as trans around age twenty. She describes this decision as fixed, explaining that she could not continue living as a woman and was experiencing suicidal thoughts and severe mood swings. The realization seemed to make everything finally make sense. She entered therapy with a specialist in transgender patients. Although she was not entirely certain at first, the therapist immediately addressed her with male pronouns and as a young man, which she found affirming. The therapist encouraged her to continue there rather than seek other options and indicated that hormone treatment could be obtained faster than the official guidelines suggested. Within about three months, Nele began taking testosterone, with the therapist arguing that her case was urgent and clear, leading to quick insurance approval. Physically, she noticed changes she initially welcomed: her hips narrowed, her voice deepened, her face became more angular, and she gained muscle. Strangers increasingly read her as male. However, her depression worsened and suicidal ideation continued. In retrospect, she sees the transition as the only positive element in her life at that time, while she neglected all other areas. She pinned all her hopes on surgery as the final goal. After undergoing a mastectomy, she initially felt she had arrived and was happy, free from gender dysphoria about her body. Her mother recalls Nele announcing her transition in tears, and later, after the surgery, showing her chest proudly while her mother privately broke down at the sight of the scars. Later, Nele’s then-partner developed health problems from testosterone and began questioning the concept of gender identity. Nele initially defended the idea that she was born trans, but their discussions eventually led her to ask herself why she truly wanted to be a man. She realized that earlier in her life she had been too psychologically unstable to process this question, but once she was more stable, the answer came to her easily.