My Detransition Story: Going back to where it all started
I returned to my old school, the place I hated most on earth. My heart was pounding, but the longer I stayed, the easier it got. You move on by facing the past, not by running from it.
Overview
Alexander L returns to the small Eastern European town where he was bullied in middle school, visiting for the first time since 2009 for his grandmother’s funeral. He confronts his past by stepping onto the grounds of his old school, recalling the abuse he endured for being different, and reflects on how creative outlets like guitar and horror films helped him cope. He explains that his transition was an attempt to escape unbearable circumstances rather than an ideological choice, and argues that facing these memories is key to moving on.
Full Video Summary
Alexander L recounts traveling back to the small Eastern European town where he spent his childhood, a place he had not visited since 2009. He explains that he returned this summer for his grandmother’s funeral after she fell into a coma following a seemingly simple surgery, and he stayed in the house where he once lived with his parents and grandparents. He describes the town as looking even worse than he remembered, while the house felt smaller and more claustrophobic than in his memories. Going through old family photographs, his first guitar, and childhood VHS tapes stirred a flood of mixed emotions. He reflects on a largely peaceful early childhood spent riding bicycles and climbing trees, but notes that middle school became a period of relentless bullying because he did not fit the expected mold, including for having longer hair than other boys. He rejects the idea that his appearance was the problem, arguing instead that the bullies’ mentality needed to change. He revisits his early creative passions, including a love for horror films and music that he traces to childhood experiences of attending funerals with his grandparents, which sparked a fascination with mortality. He recalls finding old videotapes of films like Tales from the Crypt and Toy Story, and he describes how playing guitar and listening to bands like System of a Down, Korn, and The Cure served as an escape from his school life. He stresses that his later transition was never ideological or political; he had no interest in politics and had not met a transgender person until after he began detransitioning. Rather, he says, he was attempting to flee an unbearable reality, believing at the time that he would rather be a woman than the “half-assed man” he perceived himself to be, though he now embraces who he is. The emotional core of the video is his decision to confront his past by visiting his old middle school, which he calls his least favorite place on earth. Recording himself on the school grounds, he recalls students singing abusive songs about him and using slurs. He admits his heart was pounding with terror as he approached, and he initially felt he was torturing himself, but says that remaining there became progressively easier and ultimately brought a profound sense of relief and closure. He concludes that true healing comes from facing and accepting painful memories rather than simply trying to forget them. He mentions that he is now using his story to reach out to others, is starting a detransition organization in Norway, and teases a significant announcement for the following week.