Overview

Love and desire are among the most intimate ways a person meets their own body. For some detransitioners, they are also where the turning point came. Coming to terms with who they are attracted to, falling for someone new, being loved by a partner in their natal body, a revealing sexual experience, or the end of a relationship built around a trans identity can each start the questioning that leads to detransition.

This page looks at those turning points in accounts from women and men on the r/detrans forum, at what surveys and the site's statistics show, at dating before and after detransition, and at males who came to see a sexual fetish behind their transition. Two related subjects have their own pages: internalised homophobia, and lesbian feminism and butch identity. This page links to them rather than repeating them.

Why sexuality and relationships matter so much

A gender identity is never held in private. It is affirmed or questioned by the people who see us, and few people see us as closely as a lover. Recognition theory in philosophy holds that a stable sense of self depends on being acknowledged by others. Online communities, clinicians and friends may affirm a trans identity, but a partner meets the body itself, in bed and in daily life.

When a person's sense of self depends on being seen as the other sex, sex and dating test that belief hardest. A lesbian who transitioned may find that the women she desires are not drawn to her as a man. A man who identified as a trans woman may find that being someone's boyfriend comes naturally. The reverse is also true: a partner who loves the natal body can make that body feel, for the first time, like something to live in rather than escape.

Sexuality matters for a second reason. Many detransitioners describe having confused sexual orientation (who one is attracted to) with gender identity (an inner sense of being a man or a woman). Sometimes the culture made the confusion for them, reading gender non-conforming same-sex attracted youth as "really" the other sex; sometimes it came from envy of the sex they desired, or arousal at imagining themselves as the other sex. Once orientation is untangled from identity, the case for transition can collapse.

What the numbers show

The site's statistics

The detrans.ai stats cohort covers 3,094 r/detrans accounts from people who transitioned in some form: 2,344 female and 750 male. Features are extracted by AI from self-selected public posts, so the figures describe this set of stories, not detransitioners in general. They should not be read as rates.

Sexual orientation is coded relative to birth sex, and most accounts do not state it. Among accounts that did:

Several patterns stand out, with the caveat that people who mention their orientation may differ from those who do not:

• Same-sex attraction is common in both sexes before transition: a little over half of stated accounts.
• Most stated orientations stay the same. Of 995 accounts giving orientation both before and after, 464 of 565 same-sex attracted people (82%) still described themselves that way after detransition.
• Some people describe a change. 305 accounts (244 female, 61 male) were flagged for a change in sexuality, and 311 (208 female, 103 male) for recurring relationship or dating difficulties tied to transition or detransition.
• Partners rarely appear as the main reason. Detransition reasons are coded as a single primary reason, and no category is set aside for relationships. Relationship-driven stories land in categories such as "accepted sexed body" (about 297 female and 78 male accounts) or "internalised homophobia realisation" (about 52 female, 36 male). "Family or partner intervention" was flagged in only 73 accounts.
• Sexual factors show a clear sex difference. "Realised sexual factors had motivated the transition" (meaning autogynephilia or autoandrophilia, sexual arousal at imagining oneself as the other sex, or another fetish; see below) was the primary reason in about 59 male accounts (roughly 8%) against about 47 female accounts (roughly 2%). Autogynephilia was flagged in 103 male and 9 female accounts; autoandrophilia in 59 female and 2 male accounts.

Show details: limitations of these figures

• r/detrans is moderated and skews towards people who now reject transition, so people who detransitioned for external reasons but still identify as trans are under-represented.
• Primary-reason counts are probability-weighted ("soft") totals from AI extraction, so they are approximate.
• Most accounts do not state orientation: about two-thirds of female and three-fifths of male accounts say nothing about it before transition. The percentages above cover only those who did.
• Labels are applied relative to birth sex. A woman who called herself a "gay trans man" while dating men is coded as opposite-sex attracted.

Published research

Survey data broadly fit these patterns:

• In a survey of 100 detransitioners (69% female), 23% said homophobia or difficulty accepting themselves as lesbian, gay or bisexual was a reason they transitioned and later detransitioned, and 60% had become more comfortable identifying as their natal sex (Littman 2021). In open-text answers, some participants named partners among the people who had pressured them to transition.
• In a 2024 study of 78 young adults who had stopped identifying as trans (91% female), 43% of the women, and none of the men, were exclusively same-sex attracted (Littman et al. 2024).
• In 20 interviews with young people who had stopped transitioning, researchers in Canada found that their sexual identities shifted alongside their gender identities. Sometimes this happened even when the sex they were attracted to stayed the same, and a mismatch between a sexual label and lived experience led some to question their transition (Pullen Sansfaçon et al. 2023).
• A large analysis of the 2015 US Transgender Survey looked at people who had detransitioned at some point, many of whom still identified as trans. "Pressure from spouse or partner" was cited by 20.2% (454 of 2,242), and was more common in older age groups (Turban et al. 2021). This is a different population from r/detrans, and a reminder that some people stop transitioning to keep a relationship rather than because their beliefs changed.

Whether orientation itself changes is disputed. In one German sample of trans-identified adults, 32.9% of trans women and 22.2% of trans men recalled a change in sexual orientation, often before any surgery (Auer et al. 2014). A European study that followed people forward in time found no change during hormone treatment (Defreyne et al. 2021). What clearly does change is libido: in one Belgian clinic, 71% of trans men reported more sexual desire on testosterone, and 62.4% of trans women reported less after treatment (Wierckx et al. 2014).

Coming to terms with sexual orientation

Accepting same-sex attraction

The most common sexuality-related path in these accounts is the realisation that being gay was the real issue, not gender. The internalised homophobia page covers why this happens; here the focus is on how the realisation itself becomes a turning point. For many women it arrives as a sudden recognition of belonging:

Basically I decided to because I realised I related more and more to lesbians than to trans guys, I was literally getting upset about being a man and felt I'd lost that lesbian identity. Male terms like son/brother got more and more uncomfortable until there was kind of a lightbulb moment of "oh, I'm just a lesbian." —piedeloup, desister

For others it comes through dating while trans-identified. One woman, approached mostly by other trans people on dating apps, noticed whom she actually responded to:

The fact I wanted to reciprocate with trans men, but not trans women, was a huge awakening that I was actually repressing same sex attraction to women… —Luck_Unlucky2, desisted female

Some describe the realisation as rewriting what their grief about the body meant:

…the grief was less about not having breasts - breast cancer survivors don't have them, for example - but for me, it was about the grief that I couldn't accept my own sexuality or attraction to women and I tried altering myself to run away from it. —Suspicious_West6989, FTM currently questioning gender

Discovering heterosexuality or bisexuality

Not every orientation story points towards same-sex attraction. Some detransitioners took on a gay or lesbian identity because they were gender non-conforming. They later found they were attracted to the opposite sex, and that the trans identity had partly been a way to make that attraction fit. One woman listed this among the steps of her detransition:

Around that time, after close to a decade of denial and so many painful, toxic relationships, I finally accepted that I am straight and stopped forcing myself to be with women because I am a tomboy. —fell_into_fantasy, detrans female

A male account follows the same logic in reverse, where being read as gay because he was feminine shaped both his sexual and his gender identity:

I was a more feminine boy (probably due to a strained relationship with my dad) and everyone always assumed me to be gay, and so I assumed myself to be gay as well. Even though in hindsight I experienced clear attraction to women, I really thought I was gay and I guess wanted to be as well and so I just stuck with it. —NeighborhoodFit2786, detrans male

What these share with the lesbian and gay accounts is not one orientation but one mistake: treating gender non-conformity as a reliable clue to orientation or identity. The page on gender non-conformity without labels develops this.

Hormones, libido and clarity

Several women say testosterone, by sharply raising their sex drive, made their attractions either clearer or more confused. Some describe it as stripping away a learned script; one invokes compulsory heterosexuality (the poet and essayist Adrienne Rich's term for social pressure that makes heterosexuality seem the default, discussed on the lesbian feminism page):

When t amped up my sex drive through the roof I became very aware that I was exclusively sexually attracted to women and no longer felt the social pressure to be with men. I think compulsory heterosexuality was at play and now that I'm off t I definitely identify as a lesbian. —Lokisminion13, detrans female

Others describe the opposite, an attraction that faded with the hormones:

Same thing happened to me, t made me think I was bi when really I was just horny and men were way easier to get with than women. Now that I've detransitioned I'm a butch lesbian again. —Euphoric-Slice-6266, detrans female

Hormones change how strongly a person feels desire, which can make attraction hard to read in either direction. That fits research showing large libido changes without a measured shift in orientation.

A new relationship as the turning point

Falling in love in the natal role

Some of the most striking accounts come from people who had been trans-identified for years and then found a new relationship that fitted their natal sex. One man had lived as a trans woman for eight years:

It's weird, after 8+ years of transition finding my current girlfriend is what caused me to realize I needed to detransition. … I realized I wasn't as uncomfortable or dysphoric about a lot of things that I was previously, and I liked playing into the boyfriend role for her, so I ended up slowly treading back into being a man… —stallfishy, detrans male

A bisexual woman who had only dated women before transitioning describes how a relationship with a man made her sex undeniable in a way that had nothing to do with gender roles:

Actually interacting with a real male human person (lol) somehow solidified in my mind that even though I didn't have boobs or had undergone other changes, I was still very much a female. I mean that in no gender role or otherwise gender-y sense, it was just an... undeniable fact about my body. —Grey-Skies-Silflays, detrans female

Sexual experience as a reality check

Others name a sexual encounter as the moment the fantasy of transition broke down:

Enganging sexually with female people (women and transmascs) was one thing, but being skin-to-skin with the genitals and features I was "identifying" as having was quite the reality check. —InfiniteVermicelli44, detrans female

These moments mark the gap between a body imagined, which can take any shape in fantasy, and a body met by another person, which cannot.

Being loved in the natal body

A recurring hope, especially among lesbian detransitioners, is that the body they rejected is the body another woman could love. One detransitioned woman put it to a lesbian considering detransition:

…the female body you detest on yourself is the body that attracts other women like you, to you. If you can see the beauty in another woman, why would another lesbian detest the beauty in you? —Sugared_Strawberry, detrans female

The same commenter warns, though, that she "couldn't detransition for the same reasons I transitioned": a partner's approval cannot replace self-acceptance. That caution applies to every story on this page. If a relationship is the only thing holding a detransition in place, it is as fragile as a transition that depended on a community's approval.

When a partner pulls the other way

Relationships can push people into transition as well as out. One woman describes a path in which each step followed a partner:

I came out as non-binary while I was in a relationship with a trans girl because I wanted to be closer to her. I got on testosterone after we broke up because I wanted to stay in her world and thought a drastic change would get her attention. —AsleepMathematician, detrans female

Others describe partners who resisted their detransition. How partners experience these changes is covered on the partners and spouses page.

The end of a relationship

Breakups appear in three ways.

A breakup that removed the reason to transition. Some people trace their transition to an earlier rejection. One man realised, after reflection, that his transition was driven by the loss of a straight boyfriend:

He was a straight guy and i was the only man hed fallen in love with but we ended breaking up and i felt it was because i wasnt a woman so subconsciously I reinforced the idea to transition. —j2941

A breakup that freed someone to detransition. One woman's trans-identified ex told her during intimacy that her body was "just too female" for him, and soon ended the relationship:

It hurt like hell to break up, but I've been so much happier honestly. It's made detransitioning so much easier. —SomeDatabase, detrans female

A breakup caused by detransition. Where a relationship was built on the trans identity, detransition can end it. One woman reported that her boyfriend said "if I'm not trans masc we can't be together" (warpdusted, detrans female). Another, married to a gay man she met while living as a gay trans man, wrote that reidentifying as female "further threatens to unravel our bond. He never signed up to be married to a woman" (L82Desist, detrans female).

Losing a relationship this way is a real cost of detransition, and one many people fear. The practical side of telling partners, friends and family is covered on social and practical detransition.

Sexual fetish and autogynephilia

What is being described

Autogynephilia (AGP) is the term coined by sexologist Ray Blanchard for a male's sexual arousal at the thought or image of himself as a woman. Autoandrophilia (AAP) is the female counterpart that some people describe: arousal at imagining oneself as a man, often as a gay man. Both concepts are contested; the evidence and the debate are set out on the autogynephilia, autoandrophilia and Blanchard typology pages. Anne Lawrence, a leading proponent, has estimated that "nearly 3% of men in Western countries may experience autogynephilia" (Lawrence 2011). That is an estimate from someone who supports the theory, not a measured prevalence.

Realisation accounts from males

For a subset of male detransitioners, coming to see their transition as driven by a sexual fetish was the decisive turning point. Several describe the return of their libido after stopping estrogen or anti-androgens as what made it obvious:

I didn't think I had it when I was in transition despite the signs, I convinced myself it was pseudoscience. But now that I have testosterone and a sex drive — it's very obvious to me that it was AGP (and maybe some other contributing factors, but AGP was the originator) that caused me to transition. —nndndbsbsuzb, detrans male

Others say the trans community's denial that AGP exists is what led them to transition in the first place:

I only tried to transition because I got talked into believing that my autogynephilia was not real and I was true trans. If I had continued believing my desire was a fetish I would have never tried it. You don't change your life for a fetish you can never fully realize anyway. —UniquelyDefined, detrans male

Female accounts

A smaller number of women describe a parallel pattern: an erotic fixation on gay men, often through pornography or fan fiction, that they had read as proof of a male identity:

…confusion regarding my sexuality, and AAP (I was addicted to porn/hentai and I fetishised and dehumanised gay men to the point of wanting to skinwalk one. I look back and cringe at how disrespectful I was to actual gay men and their spaces). —DraftCurrent4706, desisted female

Why this needs care

For the people who give them, AGP accounts are often liberating. They do not describe most male detransitioners in this cohort, and even fewer females. Detransitioners themselves push back strongly when AGP is offered as the universal explanation. A gay male detransitioner wrote that, unlike the AGP men he met, he was "maladaptively avoiding" trauma and internalised homophobia, not "chasing a desire" (Hedera_Thorn, detrans male). A detransitioned woman added:

The child transitioners are highly coerced and female transitioners of all ages generally transition as a response to abuse/the threat of being abused as a woman, not as a fetish. —Downtown-Store-6514, detrans female

AGP is one path among several, not a master key, and labelling another person's motives with it from the outside is neither accurate nor kind.

Dating as trans versus after detransition

The dating pool while trans-identified

Many detransitioners describe dating while trans-identified as isolating. Attitude research fits this: in a study of just under 1,000 adults, 87.5% would consider only non-trans people as potential partners (Blair & Hoskin 2019). For some women, realising that the relationship they wanted was out of reach as a trans man was itself a reason to detransition ("fwb" below means friends with benefits, a casual sexual arrangement):

One of my biggest reasons for detransitioning was realizing that the type of relationship I wanted for myself was much more achievable if I was identifying as my sex. As a trans man, it was difficult to find someone to begin with, & when I did, they only ever wanted to be fwb; never long-term/serious. —Sugared_Strawberry, detrans female

After detransition: a sex difference

Detransitioned women's accounts are often hopeful, describing partners who accept a flat chest or deeper voice. Men's accounts are more mixed, especially after surgery:

I'm actually more anxious about dating as a detrans male than I was dating as a trans woman. At least when I was a trans woman I was upfront about my gender identity so anyone I matched with I knew was aware of who I was. But when I date as a man I'm definitely not putting that in my profile. —verytiredcatto, detrans male

These are anecdotes, but the asymmetry is plausible: many changes testosterone causes in women are ones partners accept, while for men lost fertility, surgery and reduced sexual function can be harder to work around.

Trans perspectives

On r/ftm and r/MtF, trans-identified people often take the opposite view. When a relationship conflicts with transition, the usual advice is to keep transitioning:

why would u detransition just because of a partner, not only that, but one you've been seeing less than a year? even if it was 50 years you still shouldnt. —Fun-Animal-577, ftm

i know i'd end up resenting her if i stopped my transition to stay with her. —jrburg, ftm

Some trans women describe orientation reinterpretation running the other way: attraction to men as a way of feeling like "the woman", which faded once they felt secure in their identity (itsmarsbb, MTF). Others credit a partner with helping them accept a trans identity: "I wouldn't be here without her" (MaevsBeacn, mtf).

Both sides agree on something important: partners shape how people understand their gender and sexuality, and a decision made only to please a partner tends not to last. Where they disagree is on which way is authentic. Trans commenters treat a partner's influence towards detransition as pressure to be resisted. Detransitioners often describe a partner's love for their natal body as revealing what was true all along. The evidence cannot settle this for any one person, but it shows both pathways exist.

Making sense of these turning points

Across these accounts, sexuality and relationships act on transition in three main ways:

1. They correct a category error. Orientation and gender non-conformity had been read as gender identity. Accepting being lesbian, gay, bisexual or straight takes that reading apart.
2. They bring the body into contact with reality. Fantasy allows any body; intimacy does not. Sex, desire and being desired show what a person's body is, and in these stories that discovery is often a relief rather than a loss.
3. They change what the trans identity was for. When an identity served to win, keep or recover a partner, or to make a fetish feel like a self, a change in the relationship or the desire can remove its purpose.

None of this makes a partner responsible for anyone's transition or detransition. In these accounts the deeper work, on trauma, self-acceptance and how a person sees their own sex, came afterwards and often took years. For support with that work, the support directory lists gender-exploratory therapists and detransitioner peer groups, and healing and recovery covers longer-term rebuilding.

Related pages

• Internalised homophobia: sexuality mistaken for gender
• Lesbian feminism, butch identity and female transition
• Autogynephilia and autoandrophilia
• Partners and spouses
• Social and practical detransition
• Reframing dysphoria and realisation moments
• Sexual function after transition

References

• detrans.ai (2026). Detransition statistics: sexuality before/after, sexuality changed, relationship difficulties, primary detransition reason, autogynephilia, autoandrophilia, family/partner intervention (cohort n=3,094). stats page.
• Littman, L. (2021). Individuals Treated for Gender Dysphoria with Medical and/or Surgical Transition Who Subsequently Detransitioned: A Survey of 100 Detransitioners. Archives of Sexual Behavior. study page, source.
• Littman, L., O'Malley, S., Kerschner, H. & Bailey, J. M. (2024). Detransition and Desistance Among Previously Trans-Identified Young Adults. Archives of Sexual Behavior 53(1): 57–76. study page, source.
• Pullen Sansfaçon, A., Gravel, É., Gelly, M., Planchat, T., Paradis, A. & Medico, D. (2023). A retrospective analysis of the gender trajectories of youth who have discontinued a transition. International Journal of Transgender Health. study page, source.
• Turban, J. L., Loo, S. S., Almazan, A. N. & Keuroghlian, A. S. (2021). Factors Leading to "Detransition" Among Transgender and Gender Diverse People in the United States: A Mixed-Methods Analysis. LGBT Health. source.
• Auer, M. K., Fuss, J., Höhne, N., Stalla, G. K. & Sievers, C. (2014). Transgender Transitioning and Change of Self-Reported Sexual Orientation. PLoS ONE 9(10): e110016. source.
• Defreyne, J., Elaut, E., Den Heijer, M., Kreukels, B., Fisher, A. D. et al. (2021). Sexual orientation in transgender individuals: results from the longitudinal ENIGI study. International Journal of Impotence Research 33: 694–702. source.
• Wierckx, K., Elaut, E., Van Hoorde, B. et al. (2014). Sexual Desire in Trans Persons: Associations with Sex Reassignment Treatment. Journal of Sexual Medicine 11: 107–118. source.
• Lawrence, A. A. (2011). Autogynephilia: an underappreciated paraphilia. Advances in Psychosomatic Medicine 31: 135–148. PubMed.
• Blair, K. L. & Hoskin, R. A. (2019). Transgender exclusion from the world of dating: Patterns of acceptance and rejection of hypothetical trans dating partners as a function of sexual and gender identity. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 36(7): 2074–2095. source.