What gender non-conformity means

Gender non-conformity (GNC) describes behaviour, appearance, or interests that do not match the stereotypes associated with one's sex. A masculine woman. A feminine man. A girl who hates dresses. A boy who loves makeup. None of these things require a change of identity, a new label, or medical intervention.

This page is about celebrating gender non-conformity as it is — without the need to call it something else.

What detransitioners and desisters say

You can be masculine without being male

It's okay to just be a masculine woman, just bc you're masculine doesn't mean you have to be a man or any other gender. Tomboys, butches, etc are all amazing!! —detransdyke, socially detrans; medically trans.

I was a more masculine girl, and accepting that I was never going to be a pretty girl in high heels and a skirt, but that I could be myself as a woman in a different way, changed my life. I didn't have to be a man to wear pants, sit with my legs open and laugh at crude jokes … I was able to define my own femininity in a way that I was comfortable with it. —PlaneBB, desisted female.

I'm 51 years old and have been proudly butch and female my entire life. Ironically, I've passed as male the majority of that time. My struggle has been one of constantly having to correct people when they call me he/him pronouns. … I have found that being female my way suits me just fine … —MyNameIsMichou.

You can be feminine without being female

I can so relate, but as a cis gay man. The fact that I liked to paint my nails or wear flashy lady gaga shirts or pink hoodies convinced some people that I was in 'denial' about something, when really it was just me having fun with my freedom as an effeminate gay man … I just want other little boys to know that it's okay to be yourself … I want everyone who has ever questioned their gender to come to that realization, that they CAN be a masculine woman, or a feminine man, or anything in-between. You can accept yourself and your body just the way you are. —somethrowaway667710.

Listen, I'm not trans but as a man, I've always been extremely feminine. Not necessarily how I dress, but how I talk, my interests, lots of floral patterns lol, most of my life the overwhelming majority of my friends have been female, etc. People have thought I was gay my whole life … There's nothing wrong with being a feminine man. You don't need to resolve it. It's a strength. —claytonfromillinois.

Just once I'd like to do something feminine and not be instantly labeled gay, NB or "egg." It goes to show how "tolerant" these people really are. —madeinheaven92, desisted male.

Labels are optional

Pre transition I was an overtly feminine gay guy, and now post transition I am only attracted to women and am a lot less feminine. … Labels are dumb and you don't need them, date the people you feel connected and attracted to —NeighborhoodFit2786, detrans male.

I have changed nothing about my hair or clothes or what have you. I was a tomboy pre-transition and I'm a big ole butch post. Really the only thing that has changed is that I'm giving myself permission to shop in the women's section if i so desire. It feels good to be free again. The whole narrative of transition (and as it bleeds into detransition) is all buy buy buy, change change change. But just existing is enough. The world needs more beautiful butch women. —[deleted].

I get so sad when I see someone visibly GNC and I go to their profile and they have they/them or a trans flag in their bio. Gender nonconformity doesn't mean you aren't a woman or a man and it doesn't mean you have to transition just to have a place to belong. —AbsentFuck, desisted female.

The problem with labels

When every deviation from stereotype gets a new label — non-binary, genderfluid, agender, demiboy — it reinforces the very stereotypes it claims to reject. If a woman who likes trucks needs a special identity, then "woman" must mean "person who likes dresses." If a man who wears nail polish is "genderqueer," then "man" must mean "person who doesn't wear nail polish."

The labels do not liberate people from stereotypes. They confirm them.

Butch lesbians have been a thing for a really long time. No idea why suddenly people felt they needed to become a man. —duffmanhb.

You can be masculine without being male. You can be feminine without being female. You can, and I'd argue should, decouple how you want to express yourself from the idea of sex and gender and focus on being you. —EvelynnMakya, desisted.

What this looks like in practice

Gender non-conformity without labels means:

• Wearing what you want. Suits, dresses, flannel, heels, cargo shorts — none of these are gendered.
• Doing what you want. Football, ballet, knitting, boxing — interests are not sexed.
• Being how you are. Loud, quiet, aggressive, gentle, emotional, stoic — personality is not gender.
• Not needing a reason. You do not owe anyone an explanation for your haircut.

My advice to you is to not try to be anything other than you are. Follow your interests and do the activities you want to do. … Wear the clothes you want to wear. Style your hair however you like. … For me, this has led to a very fulfilling life where I am very frequently seen as (and treated like) a man- even though I have female hormones pumping through my body. —orange_whaler, questioning own gender transition.

The radical simplicity of just being

The detransitioners and desisters quoted here share something in common: they stopped trying to fit into a category and started being themselves. Some are masculine women. Some are feminine men. Some are somewhere in between. None of them need a label for it.

I remember feeling like transitioning was a huge project that took over my entire life, and I needed to set it aside. I kind of thought I'd pick it up again later but now I know I won't. —RealityGirlZine, detrans female.

The more masculine I got, the more comfortable and peace I began to be with my femininity. And being born female. … I didn't like the negative connotations, associations and expectation laid on female/woman. But I didn't had to. Not many do. —pipanpi, detrans female.

You do not have to be a stereotype to be a woman. You do not have to be a stereotype to be a man. And you do not have to be anything other than yourself.

Related pages

• Gender dysphoria — what the diagnosis means
• Detransition — why people reverse transitions
• Internalised homophobia — when sexuality is mistaken for gender
• Born in the wrong body — the narrative and its critics
• Blanchard's typology — how typologies categorise gender non-conformity

References

• No studies are cited on this page. The content is drawn entirely from detransitioners' and desisters' own accounts on /r/detrans.